One of the perks of my current living situation is that I periodically get sneak previews into the sermon that will be preached on Sunday at my church. This, of course, is due to the fact that one of my two roommates is the college pastor of the church I attend. This morning he informed me that he will be preaching on the first chapter of Joshua. Brief synopsis: Moses dies, the Lord selects Joshua to lead His people. This sermon is the third installment in the sermon series on "Journey into 2010". John specifically will be preaching on fear and how fear itself often builds walls in our life that prevent us from doing what we should/want to do. OK, I'm not exactly sure that is what John is preaching on but I sort of deduced that from our brief conversation.
I couldn't help but start thinking about what role fear plays in situations like Karl's. What I'm realizing is that fear rarely affects the patient. What I mean is that although I'm sure Karl is somewhat scared about all that is happening to him, just managing the endurance to battle this thing on a day to day basis is pretty darn brave. No, I think fear affects the family much more. I know I'm scared. What's frustrating is that often times I think fear replaces faith. I'm not implying its impossible to be of profound faith yet still scared; but I think often times we actually feed the fear instead of the faith. I'm not saying that when a family is going through a disease they should say things like, "We're not worried, God is in control." If you can say that, that's wonderful. But that is pretty tough stuff to say. Right now I'm in the place where I can say, "Lord, I'm scared to death but for what it's worth I'm putting my minuscule faith in you." And you know what, I think God is OK with that.
I've also been thinking what I would say to Karl if I wasn't so doggone scared. Well...yes, I'm using this blog as an indirect way to tell Karl how I'm feeling. By and large guys don't share how they are "feeling" with each other so give me a little bit of a break. But if I could say whatever I wanted to Karl I would say this.
First Karl, know that I love you. Often times our family doesn't express this. But know that I do. Know that the night I spent with you in the hospital before your first surgery was one of the most special nights of my life (I just reread this, and realize how awkward that sounded. I was on the floor. He was in the bed.) I know it wasn't the most "comfortable" nights for you, but for me it was maybe the first time where I felt like you and I let go of any barriers between us. Karl, I don't think you and I have ever talked about dad's death but I want you to know that I truly believe dad would be proud of you and that he loves you deeply. Karl my prayer is that you will fight this thing like a Banshee. I love you Karl.